Sharing past wounds

Compassion isn't based on only having similar experiences

By John Mohan

No matter how hard one tries to do the right thing there will always be people that will criticize your efforts -- especially if you're not doing exactly what they want. Politicians are an easy target, but those who give themselves to the care of our community's disadvantaged seem to be fair game too.

Recently a woman came to Siloam Mission asking about the family room of our emergency shelter.

She also asked if Child and Family Services (CFS) would be contacted if the mother and her daughter stayed with us. It's normal Siloam Mission practice to contact Manitoba Family Service's Employment and Income Assistance to ensure that every at-risk family receives the best short- and long-term care possible. While sometimes a necessary last resort, we view staying in a designated room with 105 homeless adults outside their secured door as never the best option for a family. And if we suspect family members are fleeing a violent situation we automatically notify proper authorities. While admitting there was a violence component to her situation, this mother was still insistent that CFS not be contacted under which we could not promise. Upon hearing our position she left upset and angry.

Shortly after, a second person identifying themselves as a friend entered the building demanding to talk to staff about the upset woman. The friend said the woman had been refused at a few other shelters and if we did not agree to not contact CFS we would be responsible for the child being taken away and asked if we wanted that.

No matter how hard we tried to explain the rationale of our policies we couldn't reason with her. She stated that because my staff person was young and white they could not possibly understand or help. It was at that point I stepped into the conversation -- which had become more like a lecture.

Again, I explained our policy was to include proper authorities whenever deemed necessary. I told her I had been in the CFS system as a small child in the early '60s and understood what it was like to be in a separated family. She then said we weren't helping the homeless but in fact holding them back. I challenged her on her experiences that qualified her to make that judgment. She responded, "You've never been homeless have you?"

No. I haven't -- as is the case of nearly all our staff or those who volunteer or those working or volunteering in other social agencies. But we all have scars from our past and wounds.

It's not always necessary to have directly experienced what others have to help them. And compassion isn't dependent on having had the same hurt as others. And sometimes those who have gone through what you have aren't always the best help.

If you only allow others who have been through your situation to help, you may lose both valuable support and life-learning opportunities.

-- John Mohan is the CEO of Siloam Mission.

Last Updated: 30th September 2009, 1:52am

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link: http://www.winnipegsun.com/news/columnists/john_mohan/2009/09/30/11199126-sun.html